reconciliation

everything seemed to have smoothen themselves out this week.  it's a sudden twist of events that the friendship was salvaged, and we seemed closer than before :)

anyway work has been fulfilling.  it's my first week fronting the support calls from London and i have managed to solve most of their issues without much external help.  I hope to gain more experiences in subsequent challenging projects, and eventually aim for a lead or management position, which inevitably, leads to a wage hike.  i need to work harder and move faster than others because i wasted some previous time in my ex-company, which resulted in stagnation of my pay.  Most of my peers are now far ahead, and i wish to rejoin them in the proper ranks.

post-trip melancholy

i am completely flabbergasted by the recent turn of events during the weekend trip to bangkok with a group of friends. it started off fun and interesting enough, but eventually due to reasons and factors beyond my comprehension, it ended in bitterness and unhappiness among all of us.

this was one of my shortest trip ever, with the biggest traveling party, and due to some random incidents, it was sad that the party of six split into two separate groups during the second half of the trip.  One of the guys started giving us troubles and with all his tantrums, really turned me off during the trip, so much that i did not really wish to talk to him at all.

honestly speaking i was surprised to receive a "breakup" sms from him. i simply have no idea why he was reacting this way.  if he feels that people who care for him are supposed to always cajole and pacify him whenever he throws a temper fit or embarassing tantrums like a child then i really find him immature and childish.

i learnt quite a lot from this trip, and unfortunately, lose a good friend.  this friend used to be very dear to me, but the last few months i'm really exhausted - it had became a one-way friendship and i felt that i was always taken for granted, and i had had to put up and give in a lot.

thinking back, this friendship was fraught with difficulties right from the start.  it's as if circumstances around us are trying to make us dissolve this friendship.  it's a miracle i stayed on for so long.

i cried when i received the sms, partly also because i cannot bear to see this friend of mine go wasted like this.  i have never been so close to anyone for a long time.  removing his stubborn immaturity and emotional instability, he could have been a great person, not just as a friend.  he has many attributes i wished to have, but alas... so to all parents out there, can please teach and groom your child properly?  if not, please don't bring any children into this world, thank you!

i never seek to become too close to anyone...i am scared, for i feel very strongly for my close friends, of such endings.  this time i am deeply hurt again.  god, why do u allow me to be hurt again and again? why did you not answer my prayers and help my friend?

午时感想

每当我觉得自己运气开始好转的时候，事实往往都会转逆。财政方面如此，事业也如此，人缘也如此。自小就不觉得运气会特别关照自己，即使好事偶然发生在我身上，事情总会变质，以不愉快为收场。

上星期五的公司家庭日里，是我人生里第一次在幸运抽奖里头赢了大奖 - “豪华汉城旅游配套”。那时的心情是又惊讶又开心但也同时有些失落，毕竟我对韩国并没有什么特别大的兴趣。相反的我妈比我还要兴奋。后来决定与家人一同赴韩游玩，才发现或许要和另外得到这份配套的两位同事一同出发。我渐渐对这份本来没什么兴趣的配套更是没兴趣了。

我向来觉得同事不该把朋友般相待。前公司的遭遇也让我坚持守着这个原则。近来，我觉得自己开始违反了这所谓的原则，竟和两位同事开始为伍。

记得在某一个早晨，竟然下了一场倾盆大雨，让我无法抵达公司。突然，有位同事竟拨电给我，问我究竟在哪里，不一会儿他就说他上了一辆的士，绕路把我给接载去公司了，并没向我要车费。第二天傍晚，当几乎全公司上下都为前赴其中一位经理的婚宴而安排顺风车的同时，我和这位同事选择乘搭公共交通。车程中，彼此也开始健谈了起来。不知道聊到什么话题，他问了我一些关于把他当朋友之类的事，我沉重的告诉他，世事难料，今天或许我们做得了好朋友，可能几周后会不理不睬，甚至反目成仇。

这答案反映了我对人际关系缺乏信心，有所保留。经过这么多年的人情冷暖和伤痕累累，我累了。心里早已把自己与外界的复杂种种隔离。近来也比较想当宅男，一半是为了省钱，另一半可是因为近来出现的人素质不高，来来去去都是那几种PATTERN，有时甚至还要当上他们的保姆，实在让人疲惫不堪。既然时不与我，唯有让自己好好休息。

我决定把所有精力投向工作，不让自己有多余时间去想别的事情，把近来的烦恼和今年不开心的事全置之脑后，同时希望在这两三年以内，可以让自己有能力供养一辆车子。现在这份工作有出国的机会，我希望可以借机离开一下，到国外散散心，学习新事物扩充视野。现在正在忙的一项欧洲PROJECT，虽然把我的工作时间颠倒了，但或许月底能让我去一趟伦敦，我认为也是值得。